The Bucket List

As the CEO of a top fortune 500 company, Roger Banes had  indulged every whim he had ever entertained.  His lifestyle and waistline were testaments to his many and varied indulgences. He was a cruel and selfish man who had left a steady stream of angry (though well-compensated) ex-wives in his wake. Roger had only fathered one child, Daniel, whom he had shunned. Daniel was odd. Quite odd.  Though never diagnosed, Daniel never fit in with others and spent his life alone, friendless, fatherless, and raised from a safe distance by the household staff.

The Best Bed Ever

I opened my eyes lazily to see my brother crouched before me, a silly grin twisting his face into a despicable expression at nine a.m. in the morning. I growled and sat up slowly, stretching with a long yawn. “Dude… why? You know not to interrupt my naps.”

The Parent Trap

Same hair, same face, same eyes. We were identical. I stood, frozen, looking into the eyes of the twin I never knew I had.

Salvation

Ratigan was getting desperate. Married housing was nowhere to be found. He had exhausted nearly every resource. He had checked KSL, Craiglist, Rentler.com, and Facebook, obsessively. He had taken advantage of every connection, hit up every sleazy real estate agent, every black market gun salesman he knew. He had begged, he had borrowed, and yes he had stolen. All to no avail. And he had been at this a long time! 3 entire weeks. 3 entire weeks I tell you! He could have had exactly 4 children in that time (at least that’s how Christopher said it works) and instead he had spent it scouring the Provo area for something, anything that could shelter him and his sweetheart.

If there was anywhere that should have allowed him to date, get engaged, and marry in a month it should have been Provo. But even the Provo, the Mormon Las Vegas, had failed him, and it was officially too late. Now he was returning from the honeymoon and he had no idea how he was going to break the news to Monique.

It was in this moment of complete despair, driving back from the airport, that he spotted his salvation. His redemption. His rescue from total and complete destitution. A giant. Card. Board. Box. He yanked the steering wheel towards the curb, slamming the breaks, and jerking the car to a stop.

Monique rubbed her neck.

“WHAT THE-“

“Hello!” Ratigan said he as waved to the garbage man hefting the box into the back of his truck. “Surely you’re not throwing this fine piece of real estate away!”

“Uhhhh yeah, I was planning on it…”

“Well allow me to take it off your hands!”

“Sure man, whatever.” And the man quickly drove off, because this guy was crazy!

“Monique! We’re saved! Look at this! It’s beautiful!”

“It’s a cardboard box.” She said flatly, clearly unimpressed.

“No, you don’t understand! It’s perfect! This! This is our new apartment!”

Monique stared at him blankly. She was still getting used to his humor and didn’t think this particular joke was very funny. “Ok. Where’s our real place?”

“This is it!”

He wasn’t joking.

“No way Adam! It is not remotely big enough and it’s-it’s-it’s cardboard!!”

“Nonsense!” he said, jumping into the cardboard box. “I can take an entire 4 steps in this direction, and 3 steps in this direction!” He said, pacing for emphasis. “That’s a total of 12 potential steps!”

“Adam…”

“I mean, how much space do we really want anyways? All I want is to be close to you. Don’t you want the same?” He sighed, “What a cozy little love nest.”

“Adam.”

“Think of all we’ll save on utilities! Electricity, gas, water, Internet: it’s all completely paid for! We could eat out every single night with the money we save!”

“Adam!”

“I just love the monochromatic paint job. Brown is such a beautiful color. And look! We can even learn Chinese while we cuddle!” He said, squinting at symbols on the box.

“ADAM!!”

Ratigan started. He had never heard such ferocity from Mrs. Ratigan.

“We. cannot. live. in. a. cardboard. box.”

He let out an exhausted breath (because neither of them had gotten much sleep the past few days HEYOOOOO”)

“I know. The truth is Monique…I couldn’t find…” Just then he spotted it. His salvation. His redemption. His rescue from total and complete destitution. A giant. dumpster.

“Monique! We’re saved!” He ran over the dumpster and looked over his shoulder just in time to see her book it down the block. Good thing he was wearing his running boots.

Here to Save the Day

I sat in my car and took a deep breath. It had been a long day, more so than usual, and I needed a moment before I went in. I listened to the radio sing some sad song about someone I don’t know. I rub the back of my neck as I roll my head.

The Martian

“Which one is she?”

“She’s that one.”

“Which one?”

“The one hiding in the cardboard box.”

“Oh…”

The Prestige

“Nonsense!” I said jumping into the cardboard box. “It can’t be true!!” I pulled Sarah out of the box, her limp form covered in bubble wrap.

The Turn

I am the Genie of the Cardboard Box.

The Streets of London?

“You can’t do that?”

“Why not? Is it illegal?”

“No, but it’s rude.”

“So is his performance.  He just stands there, pressing against an invisible wall, with a weird expression on his face, never saying a word.”

“That’s what mimes do, you git?”

“Do you even know what a git is?”

“Yes: Git is a term of insult with origins in British English denoting an unpleasant, silly, incompetent, stupid, annoying, senile, elderly or childish person. As a mild oath it is roughly on a par with prat and marginally less pejorative than berk.”

“That was fast.”

“Blessed be the Google.  And just I happened to have looked at that word earlier today … so it was still in my open folders.  Git or not git, you can’t…”

“Nonsense,” I said, and jumped into the imaginary cardboard box with mime.  Now, I too was stuck inside a box no one but the mime and I could see.

 

Sock-Sorting Blues

 “Nonsense,” I said, jumping into the box.

What’s there to fear from a batch of clean socks?

 

I reached my hand in and pulled out a big batch.

A handful of singles; not one with a match.